I am beginning to realize how shy I am. I am not good at communicating with people. And its extremely difficult for me to open up to others. Its really hard sometimes. I wish I wasn’t so closed off.
Its been two months without my big brother. Its been hard without him. Everyday is different. Some days I will be fine and then other days something will happen or I’ll see something that reminds me of him and then i’ll remember that he’s gone. Day by day, baby steps by baby steps I am healing. I know I will always grieve him but I am slowly moving foward.
I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t slept or because I am grieving but I feel really raw right now. There are certain things that are staring me right in the face. There are things that I’ve been ignoring but can no longer do so. It’s a bitter pill to swallow .
Grieving is a difficult thing. Its been a month since I lost my brother, and its hurts more now. There are moments that come along where he pops in my head and I wonder what he would do in this situation or that situation. There are moments where I just want to cry. Its like there is a piece missing where he should be. I just hate grieve. I know it will never go away. I will always be grieving my big brother even as I start to slowly move forward, things will never be the same.
I thought losing my grandmother was the hardest thing i have been through,But losing my big brother has been the most difficult,hardest ,gut wrenching thing I’ve had to deal with. Its like my heart has completely shattered, and my world has turned up side down. I feel like at any moment i am going to crack.my anxiety is at an all time high. I don’t know how i am going to get through this. I really don’t know how i am going to get through this at all. I don’t know how i am going to handle the funeral. I can’t bring myself to see you in that way. I don’t want to see you in that way. I want to remember you the way that you were. This loss has taken a complete toll on my heart. I miss him so much. He was the sweetest and kindest person I knew. His laughter was contagious. Even if he was having a bad day, he would still be smiling and laughing. He was the type of person to remember every ones birthday. He was my big brother, who i loved with all of my heart. Its hard to look at photos of him . I am full of all these emotions, that are slowly bubbling to the surface. I just want to run and hid. I am so sad, and I am so mad. I just wish this was a horrible dream that i could wake up from. but its not a horrible dream, this is real . You’ve been taken from us, from the the people that you love the most. I hope you knew how much I loved you, how important were to me, and how much of an impact you made on this world. I just miss my big brother.
So today for dinner I had leftovers from yesterday. Yesterday it was the first time I cooked in A week. Last week with everything going on I just didn’t feel like cooking. So yesterday I made cilantro lime rice and oxtails. The oxtail came out nice and tender. And I cooked my favorite brand of rice Zatarian. Cooking in the kitchen helped me get my mind off of everything going on,but just briefly. I don’t think I am going to cook anything for tomorrow, but we’ll see what happens.
Honestly I’ve been thinking that I need a break from social media. i think i just need to unplug and block out the world for a little bit. With everything going on in my life , I am just exhausted. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. 2020 has not been so kind. I just want 2021 to be here already. 2020 has dealt a lot of blows and i don’t think i can handle anymore. I just need a break from social media to unwind. I need to regroup and get myself together.
Yesterday was the 2020 BET Awards. Obviously with the coronavirus the BET Awards had to go virtual. I thought overall I thought it was pretty good. When it comes to the BET Awards I am always going to prefer the non virtual way better . But I think they did good. I don’t know,maybe its just me but I felt like they skipped over some categories. They also had Wayne Brady do a tribute to little Richard, which I really loved. And Lil Wayne did a tribute to Kobe Bryant which I loved as well. Megan thee Stalllion performed , John legend peformed,Masego peformed,and many other performed through out the night. beyonce was Awarded the Humanitarian award. And she looked stunning as always. Even though the set up was different this year I am always going to love The BET Awards. Its my favorite time of the year. I’ve been watching the BET Awards since i was a kid. The one thing I love about the BET Awards is that its like a family reunion. Its the one time of the year when the black community can come together and celebrate each other,and remember those we have lost. I can’t wait to what they are going to do next year at the BET Awards
Yesterday was the Daytime Emmy, and first off i just want to say Congratulations to all those that won last night. Last night I fell asleep right after the Daytime Emmys.I never got a chance to tell you guys what I thought about the awards. I really enjoyed the show. The show this year went virtually because of the Coronavirus. I think they did a really good job doing the show virtually. And I was extremely happy to see the Daytime Emmys back on TV. It hasn’t been on TV in a really long time. I also liked how they showed different moments that took place at the Daytime Emmys over the years. Bryton James won a Daytime Emmy for his role as Devon on Y&R. I am so happy for him. I grew up watching him on Family Matters so it was pretty cool to see him get a Emmy last night. Jason Thompson won a daytime Emmy as well. So happy for Tamara Braun who won an Emmy for her role as Dr Kim Nero on General Hospital. And for game show Jeopardy won and for game show host Alex Trebek won. I think the Daytime Emmys turned out pretty good. Once again to all the winners of the night Congratulations!!
About to watch the Daytime Emmys Award. This year they are going virtual because of the coronavirus. I can’t wait to see who is going to win to night. I will tell you how it goes when its over.